


Five idiots abroad

by Variabels



Series: Five idiots [2]
Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Ike just wants his waterslide, The boys are idiots, naturally Roy and Marth's friendship will be ruined like always, the boys don't know anything about traveling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-12-24 02:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21091730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Variabels/pseuds/Variabels
Summary: Almost a year after their Come dine with me contest, Link, Ike, Roy, Marth and Pit finally receive their prizes and get to go traveling. But unexpected events happen and nothing goes as planned.Little do they know, all their problems were planned by Master Hand who's eager to dominate the underground TV industry once again.Sequel to Come Dine with Me.





	1. The boys finally get their prizes, kinda

**Author's Note:**

> I finally finished the first chapter of this new series. Will I take forever to finish it this time? Probably. I'll remind you of the prizes the boys got in Come dine with me if you forgot or don't want to bother reading it.
> 
> Roy got a hot tub and a gift card for a licorice store, Ike got a water slide and a free meal at a vegan restaurant, Marth got a sauna and some gummies and Pit got something about getting an erotic book, I don't remember exactly but it was a useless prize for him and Palutena took it for herself. Ike and Pit get to travel to Australia, Roy and Marth to Switzerland, Link and Ike to Hawaii, Link and Marth to the US and Roy and Ike to Japan.
> 
> Guess it's time to see if Link will get any justice in this fic.

The organization at the Smash Mansion was the absolute worst. This was mainly because Master Hand let Crazy Hand take care of all the mansion related stuff while he took care of tournaments and TV series.

This meant it took quite some time before our five boys would get to experience the prizes they had won.

In that time, Roy had done really well in tournaments for the first time in his life. Ike and Link did better than in the previous ones. Marth got "banned" from entering them because Master Hand was tired of seeing him do well so he became a Melee elitist. No one knew what the heck Pit was doing but he seemed happy.

One day, Master Hand interrupted one of their fights over what party game to play to announce that they would finally get their prizes. His announcement was met with lots of excitement from the five friends who were looking forward to traveling.

"I can't wait to go to Japan!" Roy smiled, "And we can finally get the hot tub!"

"Roy, you're supposed to be more excited for OUR skiing trip!" Marth complained.

"What about our trip to the US, Marth?" Link smirked, "Don't you want to go to the White House?"

"Will there be kangaroos in Australia?" Pit asked.

"About time, I want my fucking slide," Ike said only to be met with stares, "What?"

"Boys, pay attention!" Master Hand ordered, "I will give you a schedule every day. You must follow it. Pit and Ike, you two will be the first ones to go!"

"Yay!" Pit cheered, "We're going to Australia!"

* * *

Pit had to pack his bag. He had no idea what he needed to take with. He asked Siri what she would suggest to take with.

"Shirts, pants, socks, shoes, sunglasses, deodorant under 100mL."

"Hey, Pitoo!" Pit shouted, "What's 100mL?"

"100mL, now don't talk to me ever again!" Dark Pit snapped before going back to sleep.

"Thanks, Pitoo."

Pit threw in what he thought was 100mL into his suitcase and shoved in all the clothes he could find. After ten minutes, he was done packing. Palutena had to check everything to make sure the angel didn't take inappropriate things such as deodorants over 100mL

"No, Pit, you can't take this," Palutena explained for the millionth time as she took Pit's water bottle out of his backpack, "They won't let it past security."

"But what if I get thirsty at the airport?"

"There's water at the airport. You can take your bottle but you need to keep it in the suitcase."

"But what if-"

"Please, shut up!" Dark Pit yelled as he was awoken from his sleep once again, "Some of us are trying to sleep and couldn't care less about you, your trip or your bottle."

"Aw… Pitoo, you care. You were listening."

* * *

Meanwhile, Ike was taking a lot of time, not because he wanted to but because his roommates were so fucking loud. They were having a fight over which game to play. Despite going through this every single day, Ike still couldn't block out their noise.

"All right, Ike, take a deep breath," Ike told himself, "I just need to pack some-"

"Fuck you, Roy!" Marth yelled as he ran to grab Falchion, "We grinded Ultimate all day yesterday. We're playing Melee today!"

"We played Melee all weekend!" Roy shouted as he took out the Binding Blade, "It's only fair we play Ultimate two days in a row!"

Ike decided to put in earphones and listen to music at max volume. It didn't work too well since he could still hear screaming and swords clashing. But it was at least more tolerable than before.

Ike wanted to take a look at the list he had written but he noticed it was gone. This pissed off the mercenary.

"Okay, who the fuck took my list?" Ike yelled as he took off his earphones.

"Sorry, Ike, did you say something?" Roy asked as he pinned Marth to the floor.

"Yes, I did. I want to know which one of you two took my list."

"What list?" Marth replied as he struggled to get Roy off him, "The one that's burning in the corner?"

Ike was flabbergasted, of course, Roy and Marth had to accidentally set it on fire. He hadn't even noticed the room was on fire. This was going to be a long day for him.

"You know what," Ike sighed in an attempt to control his anger, "Why don't you two write a list of photos and souvenirs you'd like? You should find Link and have him help you."

Having managed to get rid of his annoying roommates, Ike shoved whatever he could find into his suitcase and called it a day. If he needed anything, he could just buy it in Australia using Roy's credit card.

Roy didn't know that Ike knew his credit card's new pin. Our boy had to change it frequently to stop Marth from using it. Ike was looking forward to Roy and Marth's angry texts. It would be sweet revenge. Although he was sad he wouldn't get to see their reactions when they'd discover that Marth would have to use his credit card for a week.

* * *

In the evening, the five friends met up with Master Hand to sign some papers they apparently needed to sign. They didn't know what the papers were truly about and Master Hand couldn't let them find out. He had even called Mewtwo to be a "witness" but what he was really there for was to brainwash Marth if he decided to read the terms and conditions, again.

Master Hand was about to make his epic comeback to the underground TV industry. He was a genius strategist despite what some of the fighters in the mansion would tell you. All the viewers wanted a new show and Master Hand had worked hard to create the perfect schedule. He was going to smash records once again. He had neglected his fanbase for long enough.

"I'm gonna miss you guys so much," Pit cried.

"We'll miss you too," Link smiled as he tried hugging Pit only to get punched in the face.

"Not you, I was talking to Marth and Roy."

"Oh, we won't miss you," Marth smirked, "It's going to be just me, Roy and Link. Like the good old Melee days. Except we're with the wrong Link."

"He'll miss you two," Roy reassured his two friends before giving Ike a paper, "We wrote down what we wanted. I don't know if you can afford all of it. I could transfer some money over to your account."

"Please don't," Ike tensed up, "I've got more than enough money."

"If you say so. But if you need any money, just call me. I'll gladly transfer as much as you need."

"Roy, please. I really don't need you to worry about anything. Unlike you and Marth, I know how to handle money."

"I suppose that is true. Have fun, Ike."

After saying their final goodbyes, Ike and Pit got into the uber Master Hand had ordered and made their way to the airport.

* * *

Master Hand couldn't stop laughing. He had hired an even better invisible filming crew. All the contracts had been "negotiated" and everything was going as planned. He had even managed to get the airport in on everything, Master Hand had total control over the fighters. Ike and Pit had no idea they'd end up in the wrong country.

"Okay, I want to know," Crazy Hand interrupted as he barged into his brother's office, "What sitcom are you watching that is so funny?"


	2. Ike and Pit go to (Austr)al(ia)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ike and Pit finally board the plane for the trip of their lifetime. However things don’t turn out as planned for the two of them as well as their three friends who stayed at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tfw you keep coming up with jokes for every chapter except the one you’re supposed to write.

First stop was the airport. The nearest airport to the Smash Mansion was surprisingly big despite it being almost always empty. Most people would just use portals or their space ships to travel and if they needed to take a flight, they’d go to the second-nearest airport.

Master Hand’s staff took care of dropping off the luggage at the check-in allowing Pit and Ike to go explore the airport. The two friends decided to get something to eat because unlike most men, they thought with their stomachs, not their brains.

The two bought some bad quality sandwiches and sat on a bench waiting for their gate to be announced.

“Hey, this sandwich tastes like-” Pit started before being cutoff by an announcement.

“Flight to Vienna at gate B3.”

“That’s our flight,” Ike told Pit as he got up the bench, “I still don’t get why we have to transfer there. Master Hand must have some deal or something with Austria.”

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Inside the plane, Pit was having trouble finding anything to do for fun while waiting for the plane to take off. The little TV screen on the seat kept getting paused because of announcements and he couldn’t understand anything on the plane’s magazine.

“Ike, plane rides are really boring,” Pit complained, “I’ve read this magazine ten times!”

“Pit, you can’t read.”

“Exactly, that’s why I’m bored.”

“I don’t know. You could try thinking about which movies you want to watch.”

“But I can’t read the titles.”

Ike facepalmed. This was going to be a long flight for him. Luckily, everything got better once the flight took off and he chose a random crappy movie for Pit to watch. Pit being an angel of no taste, naturally enjoyed it.

“I’m so hungry,” Pit whined, “Why was the flight meal so small?”

“You know, I heard we can go all the way to the back and take snacks,” Ike said as he got up his seat.

Making all the snacks free-to-take turned out to be a big mistake on the crew’s part. After an hour, no snacks were left and the two friends were still complaining about being hungry.

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Master Hand’s staff dropped Pit and Ike off at the hotel where they were supposed to spend the night. The hotel was surprisingly nice. Of course, it wasn’t five-stars because Pit and Ike couldn’t afford those kind of luxuries.

Once they were done unpacking, they decided to call their friends to tell them they were fine.

“Hi, Link,” Ike greeted, “Wait, what are you doing on my bed?”

“Marth and Roy invited me over for a sleepover.”

“Where are they?”

“They’re crying in a corner because we ordered take-out and Roy couldn’t find his credit card, so Marth had to pay. We ordered a lot...”

“At least, you got a big meal,” Pit frowned as he threw Ike’s phone against the wall in a fit of rage, “Airplane food is horrible and it’s so tiny!”

“My phone!” Ike yelled before remembering his phone was pretty worthless, “Eh, I’ll just ask Roy to give me one of his old ones.”

The two tired friends went to bed excited to fly to Australia the next morning.

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Ike and Pit woke up and rushed to the breakfast buffet. European food was in an entirely different tier from the food they were used to. It was delicious and this was just some cheap hotel buffet.

As our two boys ate their huge meals, they were approached by someone who told them Master Hand was on the phone. The two friends reluctantly left the buffet area to receive the news that they were stuck in Austria.

“Wait, is this for real?” Pit asked full of shock, “Are we really not going to Australia?”

“Sadly, yes,” Master Hand replied, “I have sent you your new schedules for the week, please-”

“We get to eat amazing food for a week! Thank you, you’re the best!”

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Pit and Ike left the hotel full of excitement. They hopped on a bus excited to see where it would take them.

The two friends got off and looked at the big white building in front of them. It was quite impressive. They weren’t used to seeing old buildings in cities.

“Kunsthistorisches Museum Wien,” Ike read out loud with a terrible accent, “I think this is the place.”

The duo paid for their tickets and went to see the art gallery. Since they had never been in a museum before, they weren’t sure what they were supposed to do. They looked around and saw people posing in front of the artworks.

“Do you think I’m doing it correctly?” Pit asked as he imitated an old guy next to him by placing his hand beneath his chin.

“Maybe you should try a more unique pose,” Ike replied, “I think we’re also supposed to take photos.”

“Of every art work?”

“I think.”

It took the two friends the entire morning to pose in front of every single piece of art in the museum. Since they were dying of hunger, they knew the next thing to do was to have a lunch break in the museum’s cafe.

The cafe was surprisingly fancy, usually museums would have shitty cafeterias. Sadly, the food was quite small due to the fancy nature of the place, but at least it was nice.

“You know, this kinda reminds me of Marth’s cooking,” Pit said as he ate whatever the heck he was eating, “I even wish it was bigger too!”

“This sausage tastes great but it’s so tiny,” Ike complained, “We should order at least 10 servings.”

After an hour of ordering more food, the two food lovers were satisfied and it was time to pay. Ike looked at the bill with shock, he hadn’t realized how expensive the meals they had ordered were. Luckily, he had Roy’s credit card. Ike felt bad for using it without the redhead’s knowledge, but he had no other choice. There was no way Ike could afford such an expensive meal all by himself. He just had to pray Roy wouldn’t flare blade him or something.

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Ike and Pit had been in Austria for three days and they were enjoying every moment of it, especially the food. The food was delicious. Ike loved all the meat and sausages while Pit obsessed over all the cakes, especially sachertorte which was easily one of the best chocolate cakes ever invented in his opinion.

Today was a special day however. Master Hand had planned a little surprise trip for them and he hadn’t told them where they were going. Ike and Pit were eager to find out where they were going, they had to try all the restaurants.

When the two friends got off the bus, the first thing they saw was a sign. Ike was in total shock when he read it. Meanwhile, Pit, being the illiterate angel that he is, had no idea why Ike’s jaw had dropped.

“Dude, we need to do a video group chat with the others,” Ike told his friend, “They’re going to love this.”

“What? I don’t get it.”

“This place is called Fucking.”

“No way. That can’t be true. Who’d name a town after such a word?”

“Ask Siri.”

Pit was in complete and utter shock as he heard Siri say a swear word. He had always tried to get her to swear, but he had never managed until now. The angel was full of joy and didn’t hesitate to call his friends.

“Um, could you guys call later?” Roy answered, “I’m trying to get Marth to stop jumping on my bed.”

“Why’s he doing that?” Pit asked as he looked at the overly energetic prince in the background.

“Master Hand said he was letting him participate in the next tournament. I love seeing Marth happy, but I really wish he could find a way to express his excitement that doesn’t involve jumping on my bed.”

“Maybe if you tell him we’re in Fucking, he’ll stop for a second?”

“Hey, Marth, Pit and Ike are in Fucking!”

“I didn’t know they were fucking,” Marth shouted as he continued jumping on his best friend’s bed, “That’s cool, congratulate them for me!”

“Looks like it didn’t work...”

“It’s okay, Roy,” Ike said, “If your bed breaks, you can always buy a new one.”

“I suppose that’s true… I hope you two are having fun. I still can’t find my credit card.”

“I-I’m sure you’ll find it soon. Goodbye, Roy.”

“Bye...”

Ike hung up before turning to Pit and telling him they had to take the town’s road sign back as a souvenir.

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

It was their last day in Austria, Ike and Pit had spent most of their little vacation eating and using Roy’s credit card to pay for all the food. Now, all they needed to do was buy souvenirs for their friends.

Ike read out loud the list that had been written by their friends only to regret it. He hadn’t realized that they wanted very specific Australian souvenirs.

The two friends went to the mall and prayed they’d find things that were close enough. They started by going to the toy store because their three friends all wanted plushies.

“Roy wants a kangaroo,” Ike said as he picked up a kangaroo plushy, “Link wants a koala.”

“I found one!” Pit smiled as he grabbed the koala toy, “And Marth wants a kiwi bird.”

“But kiwi birds aren’t from Australia.”

“Let’s get him a penguin instead.”

After getting a few souvenirs, Ike and Pit had to pack. It was easier said than done because they were both terrible at the art of folding clothes.

Pit was trying to remember what Palutena had done to get his clothes to fit in his suitcase, but he just couldn’t wrap his head around how she managed to fold everything neatly. Then again, he was an angel, not a god, angels weren’t supposed to be good at folding clothes.

Meanwhile, Ike had given up on trying to fold his clothes. He was Ike, he fought for his friends and his friends repaid him by folding his clothes. Although the only people Ike had managed to convince into folding his clothes were Link and Roy.

The mercenary threw his dirty clothes into a plastic bag and squished them into his suitcase. He then proceeded to close the suitcase as quickly as possible to make sure it wouldn’t burst open. It appeared to have done the trick and Ike was quite proud of himself.

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

After a long and tiring flight, Ike and Pit had arrived at their town’s airport. They were expecting to be greeted by all their friends but Link was the only there.

“Where are Marth and Roy?” Pit asked full of disappointment.

“They’re crying in their room,” the Hylian explained, “Master Hand told Marth he had made a mistake and banned him again. Marth got really sad and kinda contaminated Roy who remembered he lost his credit card.”

“I bet our souvenirs will make them feel better! Let’s go visit them.”

The three friends went to Ike’s room where Roy and Marth were sulking on their beds. Ike was feeling really guilty about taking Roy’s credit card, he didn’t think it would cause him such distress. The mercenary approached his friend and threw the credit card on the floor.

“Hey, Roy, I’m sure you’ll find your credit card soon,” Ike said as he sat down next to Roy and patted his head.

“You don’t have to lie to me,” Roy frowned, “Let’s face it, I’m an idiot who can’t even take care of a stupid little card.”

“Hey, Roy, is that your credit card on the floor?”

Roy looked at where Ike was pointing at and a big grin appeared on his face. He was so happy his credit card was back. He would have hugged Ike but he didn’t want to get punched in the face. Meanwhile, Marth had witnessed the entire scene and was not amused for various reasons.

“Did you guys just see what Ike did to Roy’s credit card?”

“Marth, you need to stop discriminating against Ike because he debuted in Brawl,” Link scolded.

“He had Roy’s credit card this whole entire time! This has nothing to do with Brawl.”

“Link’s right for once,” Pit said as he threw the penguin plushy at the prince’s face, “You can’t go around shitting on people just because they’re not from Melee.”

“Yes, I can buy that’s not the issue here.”

“You’re right. Ike still hasn’t shown you guys his awesome road sign.”

The night ended with everyone but Marth laughing as Ike and Pit explained details of their amazing trip to Austria.

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Master Hand was laughing as well but not because he found the story funny. He was making his epic return to the underground TV scene.

He was getting so much money from sponsors who wanted to be known and fans who couldn’t stop buying the merch.

“Ahahahaha!!!” The hand laughed, “Haha-“

“All right, you’re going to tell me what’s making you laugh so much!” Crazy Hand shouted.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Fine, I’m going to find my own funny thing to do without you!”

Master Hand wasn’t worried. Crazy Hand probably thought he was watching funny movies or some shit. He couldn’t let the insane hand learn the truth. No one in the mansion could know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Next time, Roy gets a hot tub.
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


	3. Roy and Link go through Hell for a hot tub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy's finally allowed to get his hot tub but he needs some help to choose one and to get rid of his sick roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been watching too much South Park lately and I feel like it's obvious in this chapter.

Roy was having a very normal day. He had woken up and gotten into a fight with Marth, grinded some Ultimate and had forgotten to eat breakfast because he was training.

After an exhausting training session, it was finally time for lunch. The redhead joined his friends at their usual table in the cafeteria. Nothing appeared to be out of the ordinary until Master Hand approached the five idiots' table.

"Roy, you need to go choose your hot tub," the hand told the redhead, "You can go any day this week."

"Really?" Roy asked, "Is it free?"

"Normally."

Our boy was really excited to get his hot tub. It would probably take some time for it to actually be installed, but he was looking forward to choosing it.

Roy spent the entire afternoon thinking of what kind of hot tub he wanted. It turned out he didn't know much about them. He didn't even know which features were available. Oh, well, he would just have to see what was available the next day.

* * *

Roy woke up excited to go to the hot tub agency. Nothing was getting in the way between him and his future hot tub. He was about to get dressed when he came face-to-face with Marth.

The prince looked like a total mess. He was shivering and his skin was pale. Roy pressed his hand against his roommate's forehead and felt a burning sensation.

"You're burning up," Roy told his sick friend, "You should go back to bed."

"Okay," Marth replied with a cracking voice, "You'll stay with me, right?"

"W-well, I… I need to get you something to eat and… I need to get you medicine and I need to tell Dr. Mario you're sick."

"Oh, alright... But if I die, it's your fault."

Roy felt relieved that Marth didn't pick a fight for once. Had the prince not been sick, the room would have surely ended up on fire.

* * *

The town near the Smash mansion was covered in snow. Roy wasn't too keen on cold weather, especially when it was accompanied by freezing winds. He could hardly see anything and was sure he was walking in circles.

Tired of being in the cold, Roy decided to take shelter in the supermarket until the snowstorm stopped. While he was there, he thought he might as well get some medicine for his best friend.

As the redhead walked down the aisles looking for the medicine section, he bumped into Link who just so happened to also have been looking for medicine.

"The little Links are sick?" Roy asked the Hylian.

"Yeah, I could barely sleep because they kept coughing. I'm assuming Marth's sick and sent you to get medicine."

"Actually, he didn't want me leaving him alone. I kinda had to convince him to let me leave. I'm going to go choose my hot tub today."

"Sweet. What kind of hot tub are you going to choose?"

"I don't know! Hey, Link, can you come with me? It would probably be best for me to have a second opinion."

"Um, sure. But I don't know anything about hot tubs either."

* * *

The storm had finally calmed down allowing Roy and Link to go to the hot tub agency. The agency was unsurprisingly very fancy-looking. Everything was clean and minimalist. This made Roy nervous as he had no idea how to speak to the receptionist. He was sure she was uptight and he didn't know how to deal with those kind of people.

"Um, hi?" Roy greeted awkwardly, "Um… I'm here to choose my free hot tub."

"May I see your ID?"

"Sure."

"You need to have an adult with you to get your hot tub."

"But I am an adult."

"Your ID says you're fifteen."

"God damn- I mean. Um… My friend here is over a hundred."

Link showed the receptionist his ID and despite the skeptical looks he and Roy received, they were allowed to go to the meeting room. They were greeted by an agent who gave Roy a catalog of hot tubs and explained that he could choose any as long as it was built to be at least 6 foot wide.

"This one with three seats looks nice." Roy pointed at a fancy jacuzzi picture. "There's a seat for me, one for Marth and one for Ike."

"Roy, you do know everyone's supposed to be five feet apart, right?" Link reminded Roy, "Maybe you should get one of the simple ones."

"No way, they're so boring and they look cheap."

Roy continued looking through the catalog. He wasn't impressed by what he saw. All the cool-looking hot tubs were for outdoor use.

After an hour, Roy finally found the hot tub he thought was perfect. It was a beautiful round tub surrounded by rocks and little waterfalls giving it a "natural" look. There was even a little fireplace towards the front of it which immediately caught the redhead's attention.

"I choose this one," Roy informed the agent, "When can I expect it?"

"We can get it done today."

"Can I get it in three days? My roommate's sick."

"Okay, but it will cost extra."

"Extra!?" Link shouted full of shock, "How does that make any sense? He's supposed to be getting it for free!"

"I don't make the rules. That freaky hand told me to do this."

"Master Hand?"

"I don't know."

"Fine, I'll send Marth to the infirmary," Roy sighed in defeat.

* * *

Link and Roy were standing in front of the three Fire Emblem lords' room trying to come up with a way to force Marth to spend the day out of it. Sick Marth was completely unpredictable, there was no way of knowing how he'd react.

"Maybe we can tell him Dr. Mario wants to check on him," Link suggested.

"But Marth will probably insist that Dr. Mario has to be the one to move because he's too weak to get out of bed."

"What are you two talking about?" Ike asked as he walked by followed by Pit.

"I need to get Marth out of our room if I want to have my hot tub installed for free."

"Just tell him a new iPhone's growing on a tree outside."

"He's sick! That's never going to work."

"Maybe you can pay Bowser to kidnap him for the day!" Pit grinned.

"I don't want to pay Bowser of all people and I am not letting Marth get kidnapped."

"I've got it!" Link told all his friends, "Since Marth is sick, we can just drag him out of the room and he can't do anything about it."

The four friends entered the room. Marth was asleep so that made matters much easier. Roy quickly came up with a plan and the four friends approached the prince's bed before freezing.

"Wait, I don't want to catch Marth's cold," Link whispered, "I still need to take care of Young Link and Toon Link later."

"You've probably already caught his germs," Pit frowned, "You spent the whole morning with Roy and there is no way he hasn't caught Marth's germs."

"So, do we like carry the bed out of the room?" Ike asked.

"No, that's stupid," Roy replied, "I said we had to wrap him in his duvet so that he wouldn't get cold."

Roy wrapped his best friend while the others gathered some of Marth's stuff. Pit decided to grab Marth's pillow and his penguin plushy, Ike shoved a Gamecube and a controller into a bag and Link used this once in a lifetime opportunity to hold Marth's iPhone.

The four friends left the room with everything they had gathered. However, they were now faced with a new problem: where were they supposed to put Marth? Luckily for the four assholes, they could hear footsteps.

"What are you guys doing?" Cloud asked as he stared with confusion at the friend group, "Is Marth supposed to be a caterpillar?"

"Hey, Cloud, you're good friends with Marth, right?" Link smiled, "Good friends as in Marth likes you more than any of us here excluding Roy."

"I guess?"

"Great, can you hold him for a while?" Roy said as he shoved Marth into the blond's arms, "You should carry his plushy too while you're at it." Pit placed the penguin plushy on Marth's head. "Oh, and his Gamecube." Ike put the bag between Marth and Cloud. "And his iPhone." Link didn't do shit. "Link, give him Marth's iPhone." Link reluctantly gave Cloud the iPhone. "Thank you so much for your help, I'll come pick him up tonight."

Cloud couldn't do anything but stare in confusion as the four assholes ran away. It took all of his willpower to not throw the sick prince on the floor in frustration.

* * *

The hot tub was being installed which was great, the guys couldn't wait for it to be finished. They were bored of waiting, they just wanted to get undressed, put on swimsuits and jump in.

"We shouldn't have kicked Marth out," Link yawned, "He would have been pretty entertaining to watch. I bet Cloud's having the time of his life right now."

"Marth isn't fun when he's sick," Roy argued, "He's a little bitch who refuses to take his medicine because it doesn't taste nice."

"Speaking about medicine-"

"Fuck, we forgot to give Cloud Marth's medicine!"

Roy grabbed Marth's medicine and rushed out of the room with Link. They ran- Well, Link did, Roy ran too fast for Link so he had to walk.

Roy was about to knock on Cloud's door before deciding it was a terrible idea. If Marth was awake, he'd be angry at him. Roy didn't want to face a pissed off Marth. He needed someone else to deliver the medicine.

"Why don't we ask Peach?" Link suggested, "She'll happily do it for free."

"What a- I mean, I guess."

Link and Roy went to where Peach's room was and knocked on the door. Peach opened the door overjoyed to have visitors.

"Oh, why don't you two come in for some tea?" Peach smiled.

"Peach, you're good friends with Marth, right?" Link asked completely ignoring the princess's offer, "Good friends as in Marth likes you more than me, Ike and Pit combined but less than Roy or Cloud."

"He does?"

"Amazing, do you mind delivering him his medicine in Cloud's room?"

Roy gave Peach the medicine without giving her a chance to reply. Link and Roy returned to the latter's room only to be greeted by a horrifying scene.

"Oh, god, I think I'm going to vomit," Roy gulped before glaring at Pit and Ike with disgust, "Ike, please tell me you two aren't..."

"We… Um..."

"It's the one rule we all agreed to for this room."

"Roy, I'm sorry. Since you and Marth always-"

"This is a no Brawl area! No one liked Brawl, it's the worst! Slow, no wavedashing, tripping, Meta Knight's the only one that matters. Why would you play that trash game?"

"We just wanted to know what it felt like playing our debut game. You and Marth always play Melee together."

"We don't play it for the nostalgia! We play it because it is an amazing fast-paced game with so much depth that after 18 years, there's still tech left to disco- Fuck, I'm becoming just like Marth!"

Roy ran out of the room screaming leaving everyone in his room speechless. He really needed to stop confusing the fuck out of everyone.

"I'll be honest, Brawl kinda sucks balls," Pit told Ike as he threw away his controller, "Let's play Smash 4 instead."

"We threw out all our Wii Us."

* * *

By the evening, the installation crew was done installing the hot tub. Everyone was amazed at the great job they had done. Sadly, they had to wait a week before being able to use it because tests still had to be run to make sure there were no problems.

"Oh, well, I guess we'll have to wait until next week," Link yawned, "I'm off to bed, see you guys tomorrow."

"Bye, guys!" Pit smiled, "Not you, Link though. You suck."

After Pit and Link left, Ike decided to address the elephant in the room.

"Aren't supposed to pick up Marth?"

"Oh, crap! I forgot."

"Hey, it's fine if you don't. I don't mind if it's just the two of us."

"No, I'm still angry about earlier. Marth's coming back whether he wants to or not."

"Why does Brawl make you so angry?"

"Well… Um… It's a Melee thing, you wouldn't understand. I'm going to go pick up Marth."

Roy went to Cloud's room to pick up Marth. The prince was in a terrible mood. He wasn't angry that he got kicked out or that the GameCube controller Ike had put in the bag was actually Roy's controller or that the medicine tasted gross. He was angry that Link had touched his iPhone.

"And he thought I wouldn't notice! I can't-" Marth paused to cough. "I can't believe he dared to touch my iPhone-"

"Marth, Roy's here to pick you up," Cloud interrupted.

"Roy, can you believe Link touched my iPhone?"

Roy sighed before dragging his best friend and his stuff out of Cloud's room. When they got back to their room, they saw something so horrifying, they both fainted.

"Huh, Pit was right," Ike said as he turned off his Wii, "Brawl really does suck balls."

Ike didn't bother helping his roommates. He assumed they were just being idiots like always and decided not to disturb them.

* * *

One week had passed, Marth and Roy had finally recovered from their fainting incident and it was finally time to test out the hot tub. Roy had invited Link and Pit for the occasion, he didn't need to invite Marth and Ike because they lived with him.

The five friends met up and were excited to try out the hot tub. Although, they got into a little fight because Pit insisted on going fully clothed instead of in a swimsuit.

Once that issue was resolved, the five friends jumped in and each sat five-foot apart from the other. Everything was fine at the beginning but after a few minutes, the distance was proving to be really awkward.

"You know guys, maybe the five-foot rule doesn't actually matter," Pit started, "I mean, as long as we say no homo, there shouldn't be a- Why are you guys getting out?"

"Hot tubs are boring," Roy admitted, "Let's go to the water park instead."

"Yeah, I want to go on the big slide with the loop!" Marth smiled, "And we have to go into the black one, you can't pussy out this time, Roy."

"Didn't you get stuck in there last time?" Link remembered, "You couldn't stop crying last time you went."

"Ike, you liked the hot tub, right?" Pit asked.

"Yeah, I'm just going to go get snacks."

"Yay!"

* * *

Crazy Hand couldn't stop laughing. He had hired a crew of invisible cameramen to record the five friends' week. He had finished editing and he had posted the final result on the biggest underground streaming service.

The insane hand was amazed as to how many views he was getting and it had only been an hour. He had struck gold.

Crazy Hand didn't know what secret Master Hand was hiding but there was no way it was as fun as his secret. Not a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Is it weird that Melee's my favorite Smash game even though I only started playing it a month after getting Ultimate? It's just so much fun to play and also to watch. It's definitely THE smash game that will withstand the tests of time. I love the single-player content in Melee and I don't like smash single-player content in general, break the targets is so much fun, I love adventure and classic mode. Melee's awesome. I love the mechanics so much even though I'm really bad at the game. I just wish I could main Roy in it but five minutes of Melee Roy damages my Ultimate Roy for weeks. But Marth is so much fun in all his glory, Ultimate did him so dirty.
> 
> If a smash game combines Melee with the Ultimate QoL changes, it would be the best smash game.
> 
> My ranking for smash games (mainly based on gameplay) is Melee is the best, Ultimate is a close second, 4 and N64 are fun, Brawl is garbage.
> 
> Next time, Marth gets a sauna with Pit's help.
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


	4. Marth and Pit get a sauna while Ike annoys the living daylights out of Roy with his purple stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marth and Pit go get a sauna. While this goes on, Roy suffers because of Ike's newfound obsession with his hot tub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 3000 years. Sorry this took a long time, my old computer's SDD died and I lost everything on it. Only got my new computer a few days ago. But now I'm back with the crack.
> 
> Btw, this entire chapter is Raeror's fault.

It had been one week since Roy had gotten his hot tub. Roy didn't really care about it anymore, he wasn't into getting wet. Link and Marth didn't mind getting wet but they enjoyed the water park much more because it had water slides. Pit liked getting wet but he preferred hot springs.

But Ike, Ike loved the hot tub. The hot tub was like a father to him. He would protect it with his life, no one was allowed to mess with the hot tub.

Roy was walking towards the sink to get some water when he saw Ike sticking something against the bathroom wall.

"First person to fart in the hot tub will get their ass beat?" Roy read out loud, "Ike, someone's probably already farted in it."

"What!?" Ike shouted as he dropped his sign, "Are you admitting to it?"

"No, I never farted in it, I only spent five minutes in it. But I'm sure someone else already has."

"I will catch whoever dares fart in the hot tub. I'm going to ask Master Hand to give me some CCTV cameras."

"You're not hiding CCTV cameras in the bathroom."

"It's okay, they'll be visible and in angles where you can't see who's going into the shower."

"That does not make it okay!"

* * *

Marth, Link and Pit were all gathered around their usual table in the cafeteria. They couldn't be bothered to wait for Ike and Roy to join, so they had already started eating.

After a few minutes, a very annoyed-looking Roy entered the cafeteria. His friends were worried that the redhead was angry at them for not waiting for him but they couldn't have been further away from the truth.

"I've had enough of Ike!" Roy shouted as he sat down.

"Is he playing Brawl again?" Marth asked full of worry, "If he is, we should ask the hands to give us a new roommate."

"No, that's not it. He's obsessed with the hot tub. He's cleaning the bathroom. Cleaning! Ike's cleaning the fucking bathroom."

"What's wrong with that?" Pit said, "I'd be really happy if Ike started cleaning my bathroom."

"Ugh, just go see for yourselves."

When the group arrived at the bathroom, there was an awkward silence before Link and Pit burst into laughter.

"This is great!" Link grinned as he took photos of Ike, "Something must have malfunctioned in your brain, Roy."

"Oh, come on!" Roy complained, "Marth, you see what's wrong, right?"

"I-I…" Marth stuttered before falling down unable to contain any of his laughter, "I can't! This is too funny. He looks so stupid with his purple spray thing!"

"Keep up the good work, Ike" Pit cheered.

* * *

The laughter had been interrupted by Master Hand who had ordered Marth to go get his sauna. Unwilling to go alone, Marth forced Pit to go with him.

The sauna agency was pretty close to the mansion which meant the duo didn't have to walk that much. Their stomachs were aching because of all the laughter.

Once they got to the agency, they went to a meeting room with one of the agents. The agent gave Marth the terms and conditions of the contract but he assured the prince he didn't have to read them.

"Miss-ter Lowell, you really don't need to read the entirety of it," the agent insisted.

"Only an idiot would sign a contract without reading the terms and conditions," Marth replied before resuming his examination of the contract, "Now, tell me more about this human centipede thing in the sixty-ninth paragraph."

"Sir, you don't need to worry about it!"

"Human centipede?" Pit thought out loud, "Marth, you're making this up!"

"It's written here!" The prince shoved the terms and conditions in front of Pit's face. "Now, do you believe me?"

"Marth, I can't read."

"I should have brought Link instead of you."

"But Marth, I thought you hated Link too."

"At least, he can read!"

"Um, should I leave?" the agent awkwardly interrupted, "If you two need some privacy, I-"

"No! Tell me about the human centipede!"

"Sir, please don't worry about it!"

* * *

Meanwhile, things weren't any more peaceful at the Smash Mansion. Roy was sitting in Master Hand's office which the hand found to be quite weird.

"Roy, you and Ike get along really well," the hand noted, "What has happened between you two? I have never seen you in here without Marth."

"Ike put CCTV cameras in the bathroom. It's an invasion of privacy!"

"Roy… Ike cleaned a stain that has been in your bathroom since Crazy and I were two little hands living with our mother."

"You two have a mom?"

"That's beyond the point. What I'm saying is, Ike's allowed to do whatever he wants to know."

"W-what!? He's breaking privacy laws!"

"Look… If you can get me a sample of his purple stuff, I'll take the cameras away."

Roy rushed back to the bathroom with the hope of finding Ike's cleaning product. But right as he spotted it, he was tackled from behind and pinned to the, luckily for him, clean floor.

"Oh, it's just you," Ike said as he got off Roy and helped him up, "Sorry about that, can't have anyone messing up the bathroom or the hot tub. You're not hurt, are you?"

"I'm fine," Roy lied, "Um… Could I borrow some of your purple stuff? I need to clean up a mess I made."

"I'll clean it for you. You look a bit agitated and tired, you should relax in the hot tub. I'll join you once I'm done."

"Ugh… Forget it."

Ike didn't know why his roommate seemed so upset. Roy was rarely angry (excluding all of his fights with Marth) and when he was, he hid it pretty well. Alas, there was nothing Ike could do but pray whatever was upsetting his friend would go away

* * *

Marth was now looking at the catalog of saunas trying to decide which one to get. Marth really didn't care about the sauna which made his task even harder. He was going to abandon it after five minutes, so why even bother?

"Need some help?" Pit asked.

"No, I'm fine," Marth replied after taking a deep breath, "I'm just trying to figure out which one is fireproof."

"Sir, are you planning on setting the sauna on fire?" the agent asked, "We have a completely fireproof model for people like you."

"I don't want it."

"Marth…" Pit started, "Please tell me this isn't true… You always complain about my love for food not being normal. But this… This is madness."

"What are you talking about?"

"You actually like it when your room is on fire!?"

"W-well…" the prince blushed, "Yes, I like it when Roy sets the room on fire. It's fun, okay?"

The agent and Pit were in absolute shock but not as shocked as Marth when his phone started ringing and it turned out to be Crazy Hand begging him to hurry up because he was bored.

* * *

By the time the meeting with the agent was over, it was 2 pm. Marth had let Pit choose a random sauna that looked cozy because he just couldn't care less about it.

Marth had to go do measurements of the bathroom to find out where to place the sauna. But before that, he surprisingly needed lunch.

As he entered the cafeteria, Roy ran up to him and gave him a hug so tight that the prince thought he was going to choke to death.

"Marth, I can't stand Ike anymore," Roy cried as he squished his best friend, "Our privacy is gone! Our bathroom is now Ike's property. If it makes you feel even worse, you got third place again and the hands still refuse to let you enter tournaments."

"God damn it!" Marth burst into tears and wrapped his arms around his friend's waist. "Why? Why does this shit always happen to me?"

"What happened here?" Pit asked as he made his way to his usual table.

"They really need their bathroom back," Link replied, "I'm not sure what we can do to help."

"It-a really pains me-a seeing them like-a this," Luigi admitted as he passed by, "I haven't-a seen them this-a sad since-a Melee ended. Maybe some-a spaghetti will-a cheer them up."

Luigi's suggestion proved to be a success. The four friends were all calm now and were discussing how to get rid of the cameras in the bathroom.

Luigi came to pick up the dirty plates but he tripped right as he was about to head back. The floor was a mess. Luigi tried cleaning it up with every product he had but it was all in vain. He wanted to cry.

"We can't have Luigi crying!" Pit frowned, "He's the one who cheered up Marth and Roy while Link and I didn't do anything!"

"Ike, the purple stuff in the cafeteria!" Master Hand announced through the speakers.

Ike rushed to the scene, sprayed it on the floor and had it cleaned up in under a minute. He made sure not a single drop of the purple stuff remained visible.

"Oh, so Ike's a maid now?" Marth giggled, "Is he gonna have to wear a maid outfit?"

"Marth, you're a genius!" Pit shouted, "I know how we can make Ike get rid of the cameras!"

* * *

Ike was cleaning the bathroom when he was approached by his four friends. They had something very important to tell him.

"Ike, we've talked to the hands," Marth told him, "You need to get rid of the CCTV cameras. If you don't, you have to wear the maid outfit and give the hands a sample of your purple stuff."

"If you remove the CCTV cameras," Pit added, "You will get the honor of seeing Link in a maid outfit."

"Wait, a minute!" Link snapped, "We voted and Marth got the most votes with two! You're the only one who voted for me, Pit."

"It was my idea and we all know Ike would rather see you in a dress. You need to think like Ike, not like yourself! Just because you want to see Marth in a dress doesn't mean Ike wants to. Same goes for you, Roy. I can't believe you call yourselves Ike's friends if you don't know that he'll always choose Link over Marth when it comes to these things."

"Ike, just choose who here you want to see in a dress," Roy groaned in annoyance, "If you remove the CCTV cameras, you'll get to have him be your maid for the day."

Ike was in deep thought. He had to make a smart decision. He really didn't want to wear a dress but he needed cameras… That was it!

"Pit is right, I'd always choose Link over Marth." Ike smirked, "Alright, I'll remove the CCTV cameras and get Canon ones instead. Roy?"

"Yes, Ike?" Roy replied not liking where the conversation was going.

"Will you do me the honor of being my maid?"

The redhead's mind went blank for a second before all the blood in his body rushed to his face making it match his hair's shade. He was about to rush out but was stopped by his friends.

"I'm not wearing that dress!" Roy shouted, "It's a waste of time! He's still going to have cameras here!"

"We promised him he'd get to see you in the dress if he removed the CCTV cameras which he technically agreed to," Pit reminded Roy, "We can't go back on our promise."

"Marth, this is your bathroom too. Say something?"

"I'll just use Cloud's for the time being," Marth blushed, "I just really want to see you in the maid outfit."

"I hate you sometimes."

* * *

Ike hadn't planned on wearing a nanny outfit but it was the only way to get Roy to wear the maid outfit. Was it worth it? Ike wasn't sure but seeing Roy all embarrassed was pretty satisfying.

Ike had told the redhead to protect the bathroom from any intruders. While Roy wasn't fond of cleaning, standing and doing nothing while wearing a dress was much worse. He would have preferred to clean so that he'd be able to get some of Ike's purple stuff but no, all Ike wanted him for was eye-candy.

Ike continued cleaning the already clean bathroom completely unaware of his roommate's frustration. He couldn't allow a single germ to touch the precious hot tub.

"Yo, Nanny!" Link shouted as he entered the bathroom, "Get that ass shaking!"

"Roy, you're supposed to defend this bathroom with your life!" Ike scolded ignoring Link's comments.

Roy took a deep breath. He couldn't let anger overtake him. He was supposed to be the cool calm one outside of the battlefield. Emphasis on supposed.

"If I punch him, Link's blood will stain the floor," Roy told Ike, "We don't want the bathroom turning redder than my hair, do we?"

"Your face is already redder than your hair," Ike replied, "I'll let it slide for now."

Ike resumed his task but it was quickly interrupted by Marth who insisted on taking his millionth selfie with Roy. Ike couldn't carry on cleaning knowing there was a chance someone dirty would enter and Roy would be unable to defend the room because he was too busy goofing around.

"Are you two almost done?" Ike asked.

"I still have some filters I want to try out," Marth glared, "You know Roy's my best friend, right? So, his job as my best friend comes before his job as your maid."

"He's got a point," Roy agreed as he wrapped an arm around his shorter friend, "Hey, Marth, why don't we go out for some bubble tea or something?"

"Well, I have to-" Marth received a death glare. "Sure, let's leave now."

Ike clenched his fist preparing himself to punch the prince but luckily for Marth, he got pushed out of the bathroom by Pit much to Roy's dismay.

"Guys, Pitoo's taking the longest shit ever and I really need to use the bathroom!" Pit shouted, "You'll let me use this bathroom, right?"

"Fine," Ike said, "Roy, let's go."

As Ike and Roy left the bathroom, they heard a lot of noise. At first, they assumed it was Marth watching a video, but the prince as playing Melee with Link. The noise was coming from outside. Roy carefully opened the door and almost fainted.

"W-why are there so many people in front of our room?" the redhead stuttered as he slammed the door shut.

"They're after the hot tub!" Ike gasped. "Roy, tell Pit to hurry the fuck up!"

"What's going on?" Link asked.

"Those fuckers outside want to use the hot tub!"

"Actually, they just heard rumors about how clean our bathroom is and want to use it to see if the rumors are true," Marth corrected Ike, "Cloud sent me a text about it. Kirby was streaming the crowd but he got copystriked for some reason."

Ike wasn't going to allow the crowd to set foot in his room, much less his bathroom. The bathroom was a sacred place reserved for the treasure that was Roy's hot tub.

The blue-haired mercenary decided the best course of action was to tell the crowd to fuck off. But as soon as he opened the door, the crowd rushed in. Ike felt his soul leave his body for a second. The hot tub was in danger!

"The rumors are true!" Peach screamed as she exited the toilet, "It's cleaner than my bathroom!"

"Hey, none of you are allowed here!" Ike shouted, "It's an invasion of privacy!"

"Oh, so now you care about privacy?" Roy snapped at Ike as he stopped kicking people out of the bathroom, "When it affects you? But when it's my privacy that's invaded, it doesn't matter?"

"Roy, I'm doing this for everyone who lives in this room."

"Ike, Marth and I don't give two shits about the hot tub!"

"What?"

"I said we don't give two shits about the fucking hot tub!"

"It can't be…"

"You had to-"

"Somebody put a shit on the hot tub!"

Ike rushed towards his baby. He was horrified, only the lowest of scum would do such a thing. He hated them almost as much as he hated racists. Whoever committed this crime against humanity would pay.

"Guys, I found a note on the floor!" Pit yelled as he waved a piece of paper.

"What does it say?" Marth asked.

"… You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? Just because I'm from Braw-"

"You've been trolled, you little annoying piece of shit. Signed, fuck you. Lol."

"We need to find out who did this!"

"Um, sure. We can work on that. I managed to get all the measurements done for the sauna, so a crew will come and install it."

"I will report this incident to Master Hand!" Ike announced, "We need to make sure, the culprit pays."

Ike was about to start a speech but a knock on the door interrupted him. It was Dr. Mario and Mewtwo. They told all the guys in the room that Ike and Roy needed to come with them for something important. Ike, not being the brightest of the bunch, assumed it was to discuss the punishment for his new number one enemy. Roy, the smartest friend in the group, knew it was definitely not that, there was a one percent chance it wasn't some form of counseling.

* * *

Marth, Link and Pit were investigating the bathroom while the sauna was being installed. To be completely honest, only Pit was actually doing any investigating. Link and Marth appeared to be more interested in shitting on their friends' shampoos and soaps.

"And so they keep telling me that they won't let me choose their shampoo," Marth ranted, "I've been telling Roy since Melee to not buy two-in-one shampoos. I even bought him a shampoo and a conditioner when he returned using my own money and he said he didn't like the smell because it reminded him of me. The day before he told me my hair smelled nice!"

"You know Roy's got the most backward way of thinking. Be happy Roy doesn't use a six-in-one soap like Ike does. His soap is for the body, the hair, the sword, the dishes, the floor and any stain."

"That must be Ike's purple stuff!" Pit gasped as he stopped staring at the shit on the hot tub, "You guys have to open it! We can use it to clean all the stains on the hot tub."

"It's a blue soap. And if you clean the tub, you'll get rid of all the clues!"

"Fuck you, Link! You always hate my ideas!"

"That has nothing to do with this!"

"Marth, you decide! Hey, where did he run off to?"

* * *

Ike and Roy arrived at Crazy Hand's office. They took the two seats in front of the hand while Mewtwo and Dr. Mario sat next to the wall. The duo took out notepads and started writing down everything being said.

"Thank you for being here," Crazy Hand told Ike and Roy, "It has come to my attention that there have been some problems going on between you two."

"That's an understatement," Roy glared, "If Ike just-"

"Shh… Don't speak unless I ask you to. We're gonna start at the root of this problem. First question. Roy, why did you friendship break up with Marth?"

"What? Marth and I are still best friends."

"Roy, you haven't gotten into a fight with Marth today. Are you friendship cheating on Marth with Ike?"

"What the Hell does that mean?"

"Mewtwo, what do you conclude?"

"I've read his mind and Marth doesn't have anything to do with this."

"Alright, Ike, are you coercing Roy into being your best friend?"

"Why are you asking couple counseling questions disguised as-"

"Answer the god damn question!"

"No."

"Ike, can't you see this is hurting Roy. Answer the question."

"I answered it! I am not forcing Roy to be my best friend."

"Ike… It has come to my attention that Roy pranked you today. Roy only bothers pranking Marth."

"Are you talking about the outfits?"

"No, but they do look good on you. Now, Roy, what was your motivation for putting a shit on your own hot tub?"

* * *

While all of that shit was going down, Marth was sitting in Master Hand's office out of his own free will. The prince had the biggest smirk ever on his face.

"This is the real deal," Master Hand told the prince as he locked the bottle full of Ike's purple stuff in a closet, "How did you get it?"

"I told a bunch of people that my bathroom was the cleanest one in the mansion. Everyone came in and amid the chaos, I sneaked into the bathroom to grab it. Roy saw me when he was putting a fake shit on the hot tub."

"While I do not approve of your methods, I am quite satisfied with the results."

"So, you'll finally do it? You'll finally let me enter tournaments again?"

"I just need you to accomplish one more task. Before this meeting, Crazy told me you and Roy friendship broke up and he left you for Ike. Please get back together with Roy."

"But Roy and I are still best friends. We were going to go out for bubble tea but Ike didn't let us."

"Look, just go to Crazy's office and pick a fight with Roy."

The prince did as he was told. He came up with some stupid reason to pick a fight but when he arrived at Crazy Hand's office, a fight was already taking place. He felt like he couldn't interrupt it but the hand insisted the prince stay to sort the problem out.

"Marth, we've concluded that Ike and Roy's fighting is due to you not fighting with Roy," Crazy Hand explained to Marth, "Please, tell Roy everything you hate about him."

"Um… Do I have to do it in front of everyone? There are some things I hate about him that are just between the two of us."

"Yes, we need to make sure you two don't set my office on-"

"Marth, there you are!" Pit shouted as he slammed the door open, "Link and I need you to do something important for us!"

"But first, remember to pick a fight with Roy."

"Wait, our request is quicker!"

The office was now full of chaos and noise. Marth couldn't even hear his own thoughts. Roy and Ike were arguing over each other, same for Pit and Crazy Hand. Even Dr. Mario and Mewtwo started arguing about their time being wasted.

"I've had enough!" Marth snapped making everyone silent, "Ike, you're going to go to the bathroom and throw the fucking cameras away! Pit, no one gives a shit about your fight with Link! Crazy Hand, no one here needs your god damn counseling! And Roy, we're going out for bubble tea! Also, take off that dress, you look stupid."

"Yeah!" Roy cheered as he tore the dress to reveal he was fully clothed underneath it, "Let's go now!"

As the two best friends left, everyone was still silent. That was at least until Pit broke it.

"Ike, are you fully clothed underneath?" Pit asked as he tried looking under Ike's skirt only to get kneed in the face.

* * *

For some unknown, the five friends didn't have to wait a week to try out the sauna. They just needed to wait for it to warm up. Once Roy and Marth were back, the sauna was turned on.

"So, are we supposed to go in naked?" Link asked, "With only a towel for protection?"

"No, that would be weird," Pit said, "We put our swimming costumes on and we take a towel."

"Actually it says in the manual that you have to-"

"We're not going naked in there," Marth interrupted, "As long as it's not too hot, it should be fine."

The five friends entered the sauna and sat down. They weren't sure what they were supposed to do to pass the time, so they just chatted about everything and anything.

"You know, I really like this sauna," Ike admitted, "I can relax in the hot tub while Marth and Roy have their heated fights in here."

"I don't think it's hot enough for them in here," Link replied, "Hey, Pit, can you put some water on the stones?"

Pit threw all the water that was in one of the buckets on the stones causing the sauna to steam up. No one could see anything anymore. Everything was white now and the room became full of chaos.

"Guys, where are- AAAAAHHHHH!" Pit screamed as he stepped on the stones.

"I'm moving up," Ike announced before bumping his head, "Curse my height…"

"What the heck is this hard thing?" Link asked as he touched something hard, "Oh, it's just a foot. False alarm, guys!"

"Let go of my foot!"

"Fuck you, Roy!" Marth yelled, "You were planning on setting this sauna on fire without me, weren't you?"

"Marth, don't touch the Binding Blade!" Roy yelled back, "You're going to hurt yourself."

"You're squishing me, I don't think the Binding Blade is going to hurt me much more than your entire weight!"

"Hey, guys, I just came to check on you," Crazy Hand announced as he opened the door to the sauna and let all the steam out, "Oh… I didn't know you guys were going to use the sauna in this way… Damn it, now I'm gonna lose all my ad revenue."

Luckily for everyone, the rest of the evening went by like a typical evening. The room ended up on fire and everyone made up.

* * *

Crazy Hand couldn't believe it, he had gained even more ad revenue. He was so glad his mods had copystriked Kirby's stream because that made him even more popular.

The hand laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed so much he was lucky he didn't have a stomach.

Master Hand was confused as to why his brother kept laughing all the time. Maybe he thought laughing would make it seem like he also had some cool secret hobby. Oh, well. Master Hand had a new trip to organize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> This chapter is such a huge inside joke between Raeror and I. It all happened the only time I ever joined a VC.
> 
> If you wanna steal Raeror's ideas too you can join the smash prose discord server: discord.gg/zeHaT2Z
> 
> Next time, Ike and Link go to Hawaii.
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


	5. 5 idiots inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are forced to stay inside. But there's one problem. Roy's becoming top tier?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is my own original idea. Except the title, I stole that from Raeror. But the rest is my shit.
> 
> Rae, of course, this is Marth's world. You do know everyone is just a Marth clone, right?
> 
> 14shiffna, next year Marth will win CYL! We say that every year and he never wins… All we wanted was to see his legs in HD…
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter!

It was a peaceful morning for once in the Smash Mansion. At least, it was until Crazy Hand ruined it all.

"Everyone out, everyone out!" Crazy Hand announced.

"What's going on?" Pit asked.

"Not you. Tell Marth, Roy, Link and Ike they need to go to the cafeteria."

"Okay."

The five idiots were eagerly waiting for Crazy Hand's return. They had all come to the conclusion that the hand had a surprise them. However, Roy and Ike thought it would be a bad surprise while Pit and Marth thought it would be a nice one. Link refused to take a side because seeing his friends argue was pretty funny.

"Boys, a very dangerous virus has spread and you guys are positive," Crazy Hand told the idiots.

"Of course, we're positive," Pit replied, "We're video game protagonists, we can't be negative."

"Quiet. Okay, so I've sent everyone on a vacation while you guys are quarantined in here."

"Will we be allowed to go out to the garden?" Ike asked.

"No, you guys need to stay inside. You can't leave this place. Also, you can't go to the training room."

"Oh, come on!" Roy yelled as he threw the bag he was carrying on the floor, "I was just about to go there!"

"We can still play Melee, right?" Marth grabbed the hand much to everyone's surprise. "Tell me we can still play Melee."

"Yeah, you can play any game you want. Just keep it PG-13."

Satisfied with Crazy Hand's answer, Marth let go of him. The hand finished his explanation of what the group was allowed to do before leaving them alone to figure out what to do with all their free time.

"Let's play Melee," Marth suggested.

"You know they can't even wavedash!" Roy protested, "Let's play Ultimate instead."

"But you always destroy us!" Link argued, "If we're playing Ultimate, we're playing on WiFi."

"I bet if Crazy Hand hadn't forced us to keep it PG-13, someone would have suggested-" Pit started.

"Pit, no. Shut up. Don't bother finishing that. I know what you're about to say-"

"But Roy told me Ike and Pit were-" Marth interrupted before having his mouth covered by Roy's hand.

"Ike, what do you think we should do?"

"Play Animal Crossing?"

* * *

The five idiots were sitting in the living room. Everyone was focused on their own Switch, except for Marth who was stuck to his phone trying to figure out how to get ugly animals to move out.

"Ike?" Roy asked his taller friend, "Can you remove the weed from my town?"

"Sure, but how do you keep getting so much on your island? You asked me ten minutes ago to remove it all."

"I… Uh… Time traveled…"

"Really? You're that impatient?"

"Well, uh… Link's been doing it too so that he can catch every fish and Marth will do it too when he's done with google."

"Relax, it's fine."

"N-no… I'm going to delete my save file and start over again. I'll play the game properly."

"Roy, it was just a joke! Don't delete your save! There's nothing wrong with time-traveling, I do it too!"

"I have to… I'm such a-"

"I'd slap you but I don't want to ruin your face. Link, Pit, Marth, you three decide who gets slapped."

The three shorties were now left with a very difficult decision. Naturally, they weren't going to vote for themselves.

Link wanted Pit to get slapped, not because he thought Pit deserved to get slapped, but because he really liked looking at Marth's pretty face. Pit wanted Link to get slapped because he hated him and thought that Marth was cool despite being an annoying bitch. Marth wasn't really sure who to choose, he honestly wanted both of them to get slapped.

The three were about to say what they thought but it was too late. The sound of a very hard slap was heard.

"Oh, shit!" Roy yelled on the verge of tears as he ran towards Ike who had flown to the other side of the room, "I didn't think I hit you that hard."

"It's okay, I'm fine."

"No, you're not!"

"God damn it, Roy! When I say I'm fine, I'm seriously fine. I know you're used to 'fine' meaning 'not fine' because of a certain someone you spend too much time-"

"Literally everyone says that! It's not just Marth!"

Roy stormed out of the room leaving his friends speechless. The redhead used to be the cool and calm friend of the group, but lately, he appeared to be developing a temper. Roy getting angry at Marth was completely normal and was no cause for concern. But he was getting angry at Ike a lot in the past weeks. Something was definitely wrong with our boy.

"Guys, I have a theory," Pit spoke up, "What if Roy's becoming Melee Marth?"

"Haha, very funny," Marth glared at the angel, "I didn't have anger issues in Melee."

"But you did in 4! You rubbed off on Roy!"

"I don't think that's exactly it," Ike corrected, "Roy's going through the reverse of what Marth's been through. Marth went from top tier to garbage. Roy keeps getting better and better…"

"Why'd you pause?"

"We can't let Roy become top tier. He's going to go through a depression phase while Marth's in the US with Link and then…"

"And then?"

"Roy will become the equivalent of Melee Marth but for Ultimate."

"That's what I said!"

"No, Pit, Ike said equivalent," Link smirked, "You didn't say that."

"Fuck you, Link. You always hate everything I do."

"That's not important right now. We need to stop Roy from becoming top tier."

* * *

The boys were all in the Fire Emblem trio's room playing truth or dare. None of them actually liked the game since they'd always chicken out and pick truth. To be fair, they always gave the worst dares possible.

"I choose dare," Marth told Link.

"Okay… Why don't you flush your phone down the toilet?"

"Truth."

"Um… Why do you like it when your room is on fire?"

"I… I don't know to be honest. It's fun? Roy, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"If you were to be accepted as a top tier-"

"That's never happening. I'm mid tier at best."

"God damn it, Roy! You're high tier at worst!"

Plan A, get Roy to admit he's good, ended up failing.

* * *

Roy was in the mansion's library reading a book because he was a huge nerd. Link slammed a huge book on the table in the hopes of getting the nerd's attention. It didn't work, so he grabbed the book Roy was reading and threw it somewhere.

"I was reading that!" Roy complained, "I was about to get to the best part."

"Roy, choose a recipe in this book."

"You're gonna cook something?"

"I'm teaching you how to cook. Now choose whatever you want."

Roy opened the book and looked over all the recipes. The pictures were making him hungry but his appetite disappeared into thin air once he saw how unhealthy all the ingredients were.

Roy pulled out his phone and searched for something he thought was healthier. When he found a recipe he liked, he showed it to Link. The Hylian wanted to internally scream.

Plan B, make Roy unhealthy, failed too.

* * *

Pit had called Marth and Roy to help him rearrange his room. Roy was supposed to do all the heavy lifting and Marth was there to do the Math.

Pit ordered Roy to move around beds, closets packed full of garbage and random objects. Roy didn't appear to mind, his stamina was quite good. Pit was running out of ideas, he was going to ask Marth what to do next, but the prince had gotten bored and fallen asleep.

"I think I know what I want," Pit told Roy, "Can you move Marth?"

"Mar-"

"Don't wake him up, he's in deep sleep. He's like a little angel when he's not awake."

"I guess I'll put him on your bed."

"Put him on top of the closet, it's the cleanest place in my room."

"It's dusty."

"Just use Marth's cape to wipe the dust off."

Roy, being Roy, used his own cape to clean the closet. He picked his best friend up and lifted him towards the top of the closet before lifting him back down.

"Pit, do you have a stool? I don't want to accidentally drop Marth. I think it will be easier for me-"

"Fine, take your stupid stool!"

The angel threw a stool in Roy's direction. Roy got on it and lifted Marth once again. He was about to gently place him on top of the closet when an alarm sounded. The prince woke up, freaked out and ended up dragging Roy down to the floor with him.

"God, that fall hurt," Roy said as he got up, "Marth, are you- Oh, god! Marth, do you want me to take you to the infirmary? Your bed? Can I get you anything?"

"I-I'm fine…"

"Marth, you're crying. Come on, at least let me help you up."

"T-thanks."

"I don't get it," Pit interrupted the moment, "Roy was supposed to be the one crying on the floor, preferably with a concussion. Where did I go wrong?"

Plan C, nerf Roy, naturally failed.

* * *

Pit, Ike and Link were in the living room. They were contemplating on what to do. They weren't planners, so they really had no idea how to continue with their objective.

"You know, maybe we're panicking for nothing," Pit told Ike and Link, "It's not like we can stop the unstoppable."

"Maybe you're right," Ike agreed, "Roy's probably just stressed because he's actually entering tournaments now."

"Guys, the tier lists are out!" Marth ran into the room, "Now we can see how much we need to nerf Roy to stop him from-"

"Stop me from what?" Roy asked as he appeared behind Marth, "And what tier lists are you talking about?"

"My tier list ranking everyone based on how much I hate them."

"Cool, am I number one?"

"No… You're ranked last…"

"Guys, the competitive tier lists are out!" Link said to save Marth's ass, "Let's look at them!"

The five friends went to the computer room and went online to check out their rankings. They were eager to see how well they placed.

"Aw, I'm the lowest-ranked," Pit frowned before smiling, "Oh, well, at least, I get to improve a lot!"

"Can they just put me in bottom tier?" Ike asked, "I'm tired of waking up early for tournaments. Why are my sets always early in the morning?"

"Hey, Marth, how much are you paying people to stay in high tier?" Link looked at Marth with the must smug face imaginable.

"S-shut up," the prince blushed, "There's Chrom. We're almost done with high tier, so Roy should come up soon."

"We've gone through the entirety of high tier," Roy nervously pointed out, "I think they forgot about me… I don't blame them."

"T-t-top…"

"Marth, what's wrong?"

"M-my life's about to become a living nightmare for at least 24 hours."

Everyone stared at Marth with confusion before looking at the computer screen. Everyone's jaws dropped. It had happened, it had taken over eighteen years, but it finally happened.

"In your fucking face, Marth!" Roy popped off, "You said I'd never be top tier!"

"I-I'm so sorry, Roy." The prince took a step back before trying to escape.

"I'm gonna print this and stick it on top of your bed." Roy stopped his shorter friend from leaving. "I'll make sure that every night you regret telling me I was a short brat with a noodle sword who would never become top tier. Oh, how I'm going to enjoy watching you suffer for the rest of your life."

"Fuck you, Roy!"

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Fuck-"

"You know, I always thought Marth was the more sadistic one between those two," Link admitted, "I didn't think Roy had it in him."

"Should we stop them?" Pit asked full of worry, "What if this time, they really end their friendship?"

"You do realize that when they're fighting, they're really just playing?" Ike told Pit, "They fight and insult each other for fun."

"That's not what I meant, Ike."

"Everyone back in!" Crazy Hand shouted as he made his epic entrance.

The hand was furious, it didn't have anything to do with our five idiots though. He had forgotten to bring his computer so he couldn't stream anything. He wasn't going to stay outside of the mansion if it meant not making any money.

"You said we were-a getting a break from-a those five-a idiots!" Mario yelled at the hand.

"You said free food for an entire week!" Kirby screamed full of more rage than all the other fighters combined, "I am telling Sakurai about this!"

"What is going on?" Master Hand asked as he came to see what all the ruckus was about.

"Roy's top tier now," Pit informed the hand, "He can now beat Fox."

"Are you implying Roy is skilled?" Fox frowned, "I ain't losing to him!"

"He's skilled!" Falco snapped at the fox, "How does it feel losing to Marth in Melee and Roy in Ultimate?"

"Are you guys gonna pretend Brawl and 4 didn't-" Wolf started before getting cut off.

"Yeah, we are. Only three smash games matter, Melee, Ultimate and Shadow Dragon."

"Wait, that last game isn't a sma-"

"Fuck off."

"Yeah, fuck off." Fox fist-bumped Falco. "Come on Falco, let's grind the best game ever."

"Melee! Melee! Melee!"

"That's pretty cool," Joker admitted, "Finally, someone cool besides me joins-"

"I can finally team up with someone in top tier who understands me!" Cloud grinned, "I can enter doubles again!"

"It was only natural for Hero-King Marth's original trainee to be the best Fire Emblem fighter," Lucina sighed, "Father, do you believe I can still reclaim my-"

"Roy's our boy!" Chrom cheered much to Lucina's dismay.

After five very noisy. Everything was calm. Well, for like one second, because Roy's number one hater was pissed off.

"No!" R.O.B. shouted in Morse code, "God, no! Please no! God, no! Please, no! God!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> So, our boy's top tier now. Kola's been making us Roy mains really proud lately. It's our biggest dream come true, it's also our second worst nightmare because now we have to fear him getting nerfed. Please, I beg you. Learn how to DI jab side-B. You DI out except on the last hit where you DI in. I think. I'm not sure, I'm the one doing side-B not the one getting hit by it.
> 
> R.O.B. hating Roy is a reference to Epic_Gabriel (R.O.B. main) hating Roy and jab side-B because he's gotten hit by it too many times while playing against Goblin (second best Roy).
> 
> Next chapter is Ike and Link in Hawaii ft. ideas stolen from Raeror and Puph.
> 
> See you guys next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Now that I think about it, I should have chosen locations I've actually been to and remember. I was born in Japan but only lived there for a year and I don't remember anything from the last time I went to the US. All I remember is Switzerland since I grew up there.
> 
> Oh, well. We'll see how this turns out.
> 
> If you wanna chat you can join the Smash Prose Discord Server here: https://discord.gg/zeHaT2Z  
It's pretty fun.
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


End file.
